Małgorzata Chachaj
My emigration started in 2002. It was a journey North – Iceland, then Norway, with a wonderful stint in the idyllic Ireland. For me, experiencing those places was first and foremost connected to motherhood – that is where my children were born and where they grew up. The encounter with radically different family models, the relations between parents, children and society, so different from our own culture, is at the same time a difficult but enriching experience.
When the question of their identities came up, as well as problems with the young rebellious slavonic spirits’ cultural adaptation, I decided to return to Poland, to Gdynia. And I smile every morning when I think back to that decision.
Sulina Bourdon
I first went abroad when I was in university. I met my future husband on a year-long scholarship in Germany. We went to Belgium together in 2001. That is where our two daughters Solene and Julia were born. We lived in Belgium for six more years, then we moved to Heidelberg in Germany because of work.
My children are being raised in a Polish-French family. It was important to me that they could communicate fluently both in Polish and French. I did everything to teach my daughters Polish and teach them everything that is important about Polish culture.
After 13 years of emigration, our family moved to Poland. Nowadays, we live in Gdynia.
I remember it was, you know, hard for me when we came back to Poland. I had been abroad for 13 years non stop. Even though I visited often, very often even – knowing that I am back and getting used to various things, various aspects of local life was also a kind of challenge for me. Even though I say, God, how nice, how easy. I go to the bank, I understand everything, no need to ask three times, think three times, process the information in my brain. It's not that noticeable anymore, but the first few months whenever I'd have to run an errand I'd be like, God, how easy is that.
- You know, I’d really like to know how the kids will see it later, will they think it was good that we taught them diversity? And because of that – greater tolerance, but of the inherent type. I’ve always known that people have their habits, you can’t judge them on their habits, on such artefacts, you need to look deeper into what people they are. Or the opposite, they will seek some, you know, identity, and they will entrench themselves in the attitude to stick to that identity. That they will try to find an anchor in an identity and they’ll, you know... I don’t know, it frightens me a little bit.
- I don’t think so, even if they do find that anchor, I don’t think they will. It is so enriching, even if they do find that anchor, I am here and this is my place, they will have tolerance for others, because that is something that runs in the blood, you know. I’m sure they will seek their roots. It is as clear as day that mine surely will, while they are living in Poland at the moment, when they are older, I don’t know, when they’re university age, they will seek their roots in France, it will draw them in, it’s something... it will be something they will be looking for and what they will feel the need for. If we lived in France and they grew up in France, they would surely come here and seek their roots as well. It’s natural, sooner or later.
- She was met with, I am absolutely sure of it, the envy of the other children, unjustified envy. And it was difficult for her as well, our situation was tough, she was not the happy child she is now. But even though she spoke very good French, she was placed in a group that was still learning and, whether she wanted or not, everything came easily to her, and she would face malice in many things, the first year was extremely difficult. She might still be friends with those girls, but it just isn’t it. It isn’t it. She, you know, sits at home at the weekends. Julia goes out, visits her friends. And she doesn’t even ask me if she can invite any of them over. And she sometimes tells me that she misses having a friend.
- This is the price... she gained something, she gained openness, the language, the bigger picture. But she had no opportunity to make long-standing friendships because of our moving. This is life, it has its good sides and its bad sides.
- We had this idea that we really wanted to have bilingual children and I convinced myself that my children would be perfectly bilingual. Then some people told me they were sure my child would not speak Polish, which egged me on and my response was: “What, you think my child will not speak Polish?! Of course it will speak Polish!”. And I was so fixated on this idea that for the first 3 years, when I had my first child, the music was in Polish, the fairy tales were in Polish, we talked in Polish, I repeated everything that was said to her in Polish, I went to Poland with her. And for the first three years, she would actually respond to me in French. One year we came to Poland to visit my parents, I wasn’t working so I could do that, and I sent her to a Polish kindergarten for a month, she was three years old. I spent a lot of time in Poland, two more weeks. When we returned to Belgium, her father could not understand her, she started to speak Polish to him as well for the first two weeks. “What do you want, I don’t know what you want, what do you want from me?!”. And after two weeks, she drew a line. After those two weeks in Belgium, when she went to the kindergarten, she simply started to talk to me in Polish, and to him in French.
- So she made a division.
- Yes, she made that division when she was three. As if because of my efforts during those first three years. I had less work later on because she talked in Polish to me. My idea all the time was for her to be able to understand me, to speak Polish to me.
- You decided to come back for the sake of the children?
- Yes.
- You wanted to return...
- Yes, I noticed that they were starting to become little Norwegians, and I value certain aspects of Norwegian culture, however, I did not want them to be the first link. My children would be the classic type of Norwegians. I did not want them to be the first immigrant link. Still not here, still not there. They might speak our language, but they are alien and so on. And I really missed this slavonicness in their upbringing. For example, whenever I would take them to a playground I thought it was normal that they would shout, make noise. I would shout with them. This kind of slavonic energy, you know. If there’s a bonfire, we dance around it. When I go to a concert, I go to dance there. Our culture is big on movement, expression, bearhugging someone to say hello, and that's normal. And the Norwegian standard is totally different. The people here maintain their distance, they are more muted, the kids, they are taught this kind of calm. It has its perks, whenever there’s a conflict, there are no outbursts of aggression, people talk it out. Children are taught to calmly discuss issues, to argument. But for me, this suppressing of children’s expression was a bad thing. I did not want that. I actually wanted them to run around the forest with sticks in their hands, to shout, not to suppress their emotions. Also, I wanted to kinda drill Poland into their heads a little bit. Later on, the issue of language came up, they stopped reading in Polish. It hurt me a lot, so I was like, sorry, they’ve grown up a little here, now let them grow up a bit in Poland, so they have both Poland and Scandinavia in their hearts. It will be easier for them to make a choice in the future.
- Later on I met a woman who told me that she had been brought up in three languages, and that she didn’t speak any of them well. Get this, as an adult, she could not identify with any language. And that was the question I have always had.
- I mean, I don’t think it’s a matter of the language itself, in the lexical sense, but a matter of identifying with a culture and feeling that it is your own. This is how I feel about slavonicness. When I come here, when I enter a Kashubian forest, I can feel that this is my land. I am at home. My daughter obviously feels something akin to that when she is in Scandinavia. She says she is at home there. The thing about cultural identity is, well, we never really know. Maybe in 30 years, when I sit down with her and we have a talk, maybe I’ll admit I made a mistake, or maybe she will admit we were right talking about our choices. That, I do not know.
- A honeymoon, really. Whenever you enter a new place, you start off by doing things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t. And this is a... I mean it’s still my honeymoon, 3 years and counting. I feel fantastic in Poland. True, I feel kind of detached from reality because I have no interest in politics, I have no TV at home, so I’m living in this world of things which I allow to enter, and I am selective about it, so you could say I’m living a very nice life in Poland. I do not accept things that are socially negative. I just do not pay attention to such things, I do not let them into my home, we do not discuss them at the dinner table, that world does not exist for me. I only take from Poland that which is beautiful and worth taking. And I raise my children accordingly.
- I remember what it was like, being alone with a child in Iceland. This is the thing I think women pay the highest price for, those who make the decision to give birth to and bring up a child abroad. It’s the lack of support from your family and this female solidarity. Here, we always have a friend, sister, grandma, an aunt that has already had, will soon have, or has already brought up five of her own kids. And all the advice, we laugh and say they are intruding into our lives – it’s invaluable, it can even make us feel secure. We can always ask someone, there is always another woman nearby who has already been through this and she’s from our culture. The farmers’ wives’ association, if you will.
- Even if someone comes over and carries the child for a few hours.
- Yes, but I am talking about this feeling of community among women. I have always envied collectivist cultures, I have seen Hindu women sitting together, grandmothers, mothers, daughters, cousins, all ages. The little ones were probably learning female behaviours, peeking at older girls to see how they took care of their babies, the grandmothers were sharing their life experience, one was combing hair, another one was doing something else. This is something that is disappearing from our culture, and I believe that it is very supportive for an expecting woman. And when you are trapped in, you know, total darkness on a volcanic island at the end of the world, this is when you appreciate another woman laying a hand on your shoulder and saying: “Look, calm down, everything is alright. Everything is okay”. And this lack, this void, it’s impossible to fill.
